In the past eight months since graduation, I’ve been living life as an adult. I’ve signed a lease, started paying bills, had screaming matches with Verizon, cried publicly several times, been robbed, etc.
It’s been really great.
But I am still actively engaged in what one might call a learning process.
As the New Year approached, I obediently sat down to think about adult resolutions, brainstorming ways to stop being dumb, immature, unfocused, weak, ugly, fat, etc. etc. and start being responsible, sad, level headed, responsible etc.
And I thought, well, I need some advice.
But the catch with being an adult is: you’re supposed to give yourself advice. I mean sure, there is God,* your psychoanalyst,** your parents, the LAW, social norms, friends, assholes – any number of institutions and individuals willing to drop everything and tell you what to do.
But in the end, advice is just advice. It is an opinion scrambled up out of air, vowels, consonants and some emotional inflection. And then it evaporates. Or sits in your email inbox. Or nibbles at your conscience.
It wasn’t until I was thrown from the warm bosom of Academia that I realized nobody really cares what you do with your life as long as you don’t hurt yourself or others. I mean, sure, my Mom would like me to get married, have kids and engage in a fulfilling career, but that’s about as specific as it gets. Nobody is going to care if I am a famous novelist, or the next Jane Fonda. Not really. The only advice worth taking seriously is your own.
I’ve surveyed my options. It’s either radical religious conversion, or starting a self-help blog, in which I generate solid, fool-proof advice for myself: survival techniques for the wild world – guidelines for remaining upright – techniques to avoid ending up flat on my back in a grave, or in bed with some hairy man whose name escapes me.
If you’re like me, and you don’t care to hear other people’s advice, feel free to stop reading now. But, should you be interested in what it takes to be a cool post-collegiate cat in the biggest apple in the world, read on. Be shocked, awed, enlightened.
Rosie (the Cat)
*Assuming you believe in God.
** Assuming you have a psychoanalyst.