To give you an idea of the scope of the problem, here are a few of the bottles in my house NOW, all of which are empty:
The addiction has it’s peaks and valleys. When I’m tired and stressed out, it’s at it’s worst. The pricier the better. I storm the local bodegas and grocery stores, seeking out their Kombucha ($4.00), Zico Coconut water ($2.50), and weird berry juices that apparently make you “Zap Fat!”
On Tuesday night I came home late, after a long day, and when I emptied my backpack, I found five empty bottles! That’s right, FIVE. I realized I must be using these drinks as a coping mechanism for a deeper psychological pathology.
After a late night self analysis session, I decided that I may suffer from an Ophelia complex, in which I am trying to drown myself in synthetic vitamins, aspartame and bacteria. Or, maybe it’s a purely aesthetic addiction and I am victim to the unbearably delectable packaging of fruity, caffeinated and pro-metabolic fluids. Or maybe I’m a zombie of the woman’s health movement and am falling victim to the mythology that juice diets so work.
Glug, glug, glug.
But today, I had a potentially revelatory breakthrough. I was particularly sleep deprived this morning, and as a result, aching for the priciest beverages I could find. Around noon, I ventured from my work place and walked over to Fairway, home to an impressive collection of non-alcoholic, overpriced beverages. I went straight for the Kombucha department and selected their “Original” flavor. I purchased it with a feeling of accomplishment and anticipation.
Later on in the day, as I finished up the drink, I inhaled a blob of bacterial growth that had been lurking at the bottom of the bottle. It resembled the consistency of snot. I was so shocked, I spewed the bacteria-snot-blob onto my computer monitor.
“Ack! Never again!”
We’ll see how long that lasts.
The overpriced, non-alcoholic beverage fiend –
Rosie (the Cat)
1. Overpriced Non-alcohoic Beverages are not the answer.
2. Maybe overpriced alcoholic beverages are…