Confessions of an Overpriced Non-alcoholic Beverage Addict

I am addicted to overpriced, non-alcoholic beverages, which means I am also a platinum supporter of the bodegas of New York.

To give you an idea of the scope of the problem, here are a few of the bottles in my house NOW, all of which are empty:

Vita Coco
Acai Berry Juice
Zero Vitamin Water
Diet Coke
Diet Pepsi
Diet Dr. Pepper
An exciting assortment of Canada Dry Seltzers

The addiction has it’s peaks and valleys. When I’m tired and stressed out, it’s at it’s worst. The pricier the better. I storm the local bodegas and grocery stores, seeking out their Kombucha ($4.00), Zico Coconut water ($2.50), and weird berry juices that apparently make you “Zap Fat!”

On Tuesday night I came home late, after a long day, and when I emptied my backpack, I found five empty bottles! That’s right, FIVE. I realized I must be using these drinks as a coping mechanism for a deeper psychological pathology.

After a late night self analysis session, I decided that I may suffer from an Ophelia complex, in which I am trying to drown myself in synthetic vitamins, aspartame and bacteria. Or, maybe it’s a purely aesthetic addiction and I am victim to the unbearably delectable packaging of fruity, caffeinated and pro-metabolic fluids. Or maybe I’m a zombie of the woman’s health movement and am falling victim to the mythology that juice diets so work.

Glug, glug, glug.



But today, I had a potentially revelatory breakthrough. I was particularly sleep deprived this morning, and as a result, aching for the priciest beverages I could find. Around noon, I ventured from my work place and walked over to Fairway, home to an impressive collection of non-alcoholic, overpriced beverages. I went straight for the Kombucha department and selected their “Original” flavor. I purchased it with a feeling of accomplishment and anticipation.

Later on in the day, as I finished up the drink, I inhaled a blob of bacterial growth that had been lurking at the bottom of the bottle. It resembled the consistency of snot. I was so shocked, I spewed the bacteria-snot-blob onto my computer monitor.

“Ack! Never again!”

We’ll see how long that lasts.

Yours truly,

The overpriced, non-alcoholic beverage fiend –

Rosie (the Cat)

I spilled overpriced coffee on this one...


1. Overpriced Non-alcohoic Beverages are not the answer.
2. Maybe overpriced alcoholic beverages are…


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