January is the WORST month of the year, mostly because EVERYONE feels fat. Particularly post-collegiate cats. So if you are a post-festive, SAD cat, this tail might resonate:
You’ve gained a few pounds over Christmas / Hanukkah / New Years / Kwanza, and you’ve decided that *one* of your New Years resolutions is to lose that 5, 10, 15, 20 pounds, and get fit!
Low and behold, less than two weeks into the New Year and you find yourself trudging home at eight o’clock in the bitter cold, enervated and yearning for some Cabernet Sauvignon and 70% Dark Chocolate. Collapsing at your kitchen table you think, “What the hell! I deserve it! I never see the light of day, and I don’t have a boyfriend! So. WHO CARES.”
One chocolate bar, one wine bottle and several chunks of cheese later, you are lying on your back groaning in agony. You hadn’t meant to! Your stomach feels as though it might burst, your eyes are heavy, and, and, and, YOU ARE FAT.
You probably feel like this:
In order to combat this terrible downward spiral, you decide to join a gym. But see, you’re poor. So you join the YMCA. The catch? It is still 52 dollars a month, smelly, and overcrowded.
The first day you go, you are dismayed to find the place a-crawl with people. After wandering down the maze of a staircase to the ladies locker room, struggling to change into your sports gear as modestly as possible, traveling back up the stairs to the machine room, and finally pulling open the door, you are greeted by a blast of hot, sour body odor, and the whir of a thousand sweaty limbs shuffling together against the grain. Gross! When you go to the sign up board, you realize you are going to have to wait at least a half an hour to get on a machine. Impossible!
SOUND FAMILIAR? Might as well go home and run up and down your stairs a few times.
There has to be a remedy! There must! But what?!!?
Tips to Temper the Terror of this Common Tail:
1. When you want to drink the entire bottle of wine, try drinking diet ginger ale and herbal tea instead.
2. Just go to sleep. If you sleep, you can’t eat!
3. Find yourself a man-friend. In the bar, or on the subway. Men-friends are extremely distracting. (Don’t know how to find one? Never fear. Cat-o the Cat will post a column shortly on how a cat is actually supposed to find a male companion in this cold, hard city we call home. To be Continued….!)
Rosie (the Cat)